Authentic Emotions
by June.Louise
Summary: The death of a friend changed everything. They grew up, moved on and ended up as complete strangers. SS
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This idea has been in my head for several months and I've had it written for weeks. Blame me for not being self-disciplined enough and finish all the stories I have going before posting anything new. Be patient with updates since this is my newest story and has to be given less attention than my others.

Enjoy reading, and please give me a comment.

_**Authentic Emotions **_

_To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly __– Henri Bergson_

Summer Roberts dug her chin deeper into the warm cloth of her scarf, feeling how the wind blew into her jacket, causing goose bumps to appear on her skin. She really had to switch to her winter coat and start using a hat soon. She pushed the swing again and had to smile and lift her head from the protection of the wind. She was not a person to complain, at least not anymore. Summer had learnt that by complaining you didn't make things better or achieve anything. Complaining only led to frustration, if not in yourself but in the people around you.

The cold weather was something that she once would have hated and done anything to avoid. Though Summer had come to learn how to love all the seasons; you had much more appreciation for the warm summer if you had experienced winter. Sometimes she had a difficult time to understand how she had managed to live in sunny California where it seldom rained and where you could wear the same clothes all year round. Here, in Providence, Summer had experienced several years of the different seasons and now she wouldn't want to skip any of them. Not even a windy and cold November afternoon like this.

"Higher," a laughing voice called and Summer pushed the swing higher, watching how it went through the air, back and forth. The park was slowly emptying, parents rolling their children's in their strollers to the parking lot or for those who preferred to walk they took the paths which led to the streets. Checking her watch Summer saw that it was past four and time for her to head home as well.

She let the swing lose its speed and took a look at her own stroller which stood parked a few metres away from her. They had been in the park for a little over an hour and Summer could feel how her stomach reminded her of the small portion of soup she'd had for lunch. "Phailin, it's time to go home."

The three-year-old girl who sat in the swing looked confused and started to wiggle, trying to make the swing move again. "Wanna swing." Summer tittered and lifted her daughter out from the swing, carefully cradling her in her arms as she walked them to the stroller. "Why?" the child said and pointed one arm in the direction of the swing she just had sat in. The red mitten then went up to her face to clumsily take some hair out of her face.

Summer helped the girl, gently putting the black hair back into the cap with her more supple gloves. "It's time for dinner, sweetie. We'll go back tomorrow. Okay?" She put Phailin down in the stroller, accurately making sure that she wasn't cold. The white woolly cap and the scarf framed her small face and the beige jacket didn't let any wind come to her skin. "You're not cold, are you baby?"

Phailin shook her head. "No."

"Good." Summer lifted the brake form the wheel and began to push Phailin away from the playground. The wind was quite strong and made the leaves that were left dance in circles on the ground. "It's nasty outside. So cold." She pulled the zipper of her jacket further up. "Don't you think so, Phailin?"

Summer didn't receive anything as an answer though; Phailin was busier with sucking her right mitten. For a couple of months, Summer had tried really hard to get her to stop with that. Phailin always put a finger in her mouth; usually her right thumb and nothing could make her stop. And it wasn't like Summer could throw her thumb away like a pacifier; her finger would always be available. "Maybe a few more months," Summer sighed and let her daughter be.

After much information and researching about the children's situation in the world and after having seen it with her own eyes, Summer had decided to do something. She submitted an application for adoption and ended up taking Phailin. Born in Thailand by a young and substance abuser she quickly came to a children's home and she was the baby Summer wanted. Only being 25 and not married did not matter. What mattered was that Summer had been sure about it, she wanted to be a mother for Phailin. And these past two years she hadn't regretted it once.

Of course it had been a challenge, getting a one-year-old baby without any experience and by herself. But it was worth it. The love she received from the little girl; to hear her laugh, to take her to the park and to see her grow and teach her things. Nothing brought more joy and meaning to her life than Phailin.

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Eight o'clock the same night Summer flopped down on the couch, wrapping her legs underneath her and making herself comfortable with a blanket. She was exhausted and for a minute she leaned back into the cushions, closing her eyes and letting her body relax for the first time that day. Summer had a busy schedule but that wasn't something she hated or disliked. Though sometimes, at evenings like these, she felt how tired she actually was and how her active lifestyle was affecting her.

A minute later she reached for the phone, dialling Chelsea's number. Chelsea was Summer's closest friend who she'd known since her second year at Brown. For the first year they'd just known each other briefly but when Chelsea's mother died Summer had been the person she'd turned to. They had really gotten to know each other after that, spending time together every day and talking about everything and nothing. And over the years their friendship had only grown.

"Answering while painting my toenails purple." Summer smiled inside as she heard her friend's voice. Chelsea always answered her phone like that, giving a hint of what she was doing.

"Hi, Chels. Purple, huh?"

Chelsea laughed. "Oh, it's you Summer. How are you?"

"Good. Tired, but good. Hectic day."

"As always?" Chelsea said significantly. "Haven't I told you not to stress?"

Summer rolled her eyes and lay down, her head resting on one of the big pillows. "Yeah, yeah. How's your life? Did you have the meeting for the parents yesterday?"

"I did. But the parents are even worse than the kids. I swear, not one of them can tell when their kids are lying. They actually _believe_ that it's the school's fault that their children have C's and D's. Like we have a choice when all they do these days are running around at parties."

Summer laughed, recognizing that behaviour from her own early teens. "Parents can be easy to deceive. At least when they all want to think the best of their kids."

"They better realize what the kids these days are like. Make sure to keep track of your."

"She's three. Not thirteen," Summer said in a meaning tone.

"I know. But you can never start too early. By the way, when will I see my goddaughter again? It's been too long."

"Soon."

Chelsea sighed on the other side of the phone. "I bet she's grown several inches."

"Chels, I promise you that she hasn't. Why don't you and Nathan come to dinner later this week?"

"Better idea. You can come to dinner to us. I won't let you stress even more. You come here and Nathan will cook."

"It's not hard to cook. And I won't stress if it's just you guys," Summer protested.

"Summer," Chelsea said warningly.

"Alright. Your place. Nathan's food."

"Good."

"How is he anyway? How's his knee?"

"Oh, you know, better. But I'll never let him go parachute ever again. Next time he'll kill himself." Summer could notice a hint of fear in her friend's voice. She knew that Chelsea had been terrified when she'd first heard about the accident, even shedding a few tears. And that was not something she often did. It would take a lot for Chelsea Powell to cry.

"Aww, Chels. I'm sure you're taking good care of him. Being his personal nurse, making sure he's comfortable," Summer teased and was positive that she just had caused Chelsea to blush over the phone.

"He's actually pretty good now, walks without difficulty."

"But it's still an excuse to take extra good care of him."

Chelsea cleared her throat. "Switching subject. Dinner. Thursday. Write down."

"I don't have to write that down," Summer laughed. "I'll remember."

"Sum, we both know that you always tend to forget things. Write it down."

"You're so bossy today. You could think we're related."

"Maybe we are. Are you writing it down?"

Summer reached for her calendar on the table. "Writing it down. Happy?"

"Very."

"Listen, Chels, I have some work I have to do for tomorrow."

"Time to go, I get it."

Summer grinned. "I love you, best friend of mine."

"Tell me something I don't know." Chelsea laughed. "Alright. I love you, too Summer. Now, don't stay up too late. You have a very long day tomorrow."

"What are you? My mother now?"

"Someone has to tell you that work isn't everything."

"Whatever. I'll see you Thursday."

"Give Phailin a kiss from me?"

"Sure, I'll even give her two. Now I have to go. You should go take care of your fiancé."

"Actually I think I'm gonna correct some essays. A few more C's and D's. You know, to piss the parents off."

"Sometimes I wonder why you even are a teacher."

"I happen to be a very good one, Summer. And for your knowledge the kids like me."

"I know. I bet you're the coolest teacher on the entire school."

"Didn't you have to go?"

Summer smirked. "I do. Talk to you later, Chels."

"Love ya!"

Summer laughed and put the phone down. There was no one else like Chelsea, that was for sure. Sitting up she checked her calendar, checking that she had written everything down. It looked good, full as usual but good. "Time for some work!"

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

Two hours later Summer suppressed a yawn and closed the folder. She had no idea how she could be tired this early; it was only ten p.m. The early mornings weren't something new and she had never had a problem with them, not for the past couple of years anyway. But work had definitely been more this month. They had a new project, about homeless in the cities. And Summer had taken more than usual on her responsibility; wanting to do and give more to the project. She could use a promotion with more money. Phailin grew out of her clothes so fast and the rent had just been raised. It wasn't like Summer was poor; she had everything she needed and she and Phailin were good. But a higher income would certainly not hurt.

She walked to the bathroom where she washed her face and brushed her teeth. For a long time she stood with the toothbrush in her mouth, staring at herself in the mirror. She was still the same with her long hair and her bright eyes. She didn't look like a mother of a three-year-old but still younger than she was. She'd always looked young.

Sighing she washed the toothbrush and left the bathroom, climbing into her bed where she immediately closed her eyes. A book lay on her bedside table, the newest one her boss had recommended everyone to read, but right now Summer didn't as much as look at it.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Let me know if there's any interest to read this story. Otherwise, what's the point in writing?

**_Authentic Emotions _**

_They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself - Andy Warhol_

Seth Cohen was a lucky man. If he would get the question asked if he needed anything else in life the answer would be no. Things couldn't possibly get any better. He had a great job as a journalist, a great place to stay at, nice friends and the most perfect girlfriend he could ask for. Life was pretty good.

At the age of 27 Seth would never had thought he'd be this guy; this happy normal guy who had the life others dreamed of having. He even looked good and that was something he'd never even _dared_ to wish. His Jewish skin had after twenty years of California sunshine actually started to welcome the sunrays and he wasn't as pale as he'd been and always thought he would stay. And, after being told that girls liked a guy with a little facial hair, Seth had quit using the safety razor as soon as his skin wasn't as soft as a baby's.

The only thing Seth couldn't change, even if he would want to, was his hair. It was still curly, chocolate brown and looked like a child's. But shaving it off had never been an option and as strange as some people thought it was, Seth was very fond it. And therefore it had stayed throughout the years.

"Seth! What's taking you so long?" a female voice yelled and caused him to sit up on the bed, and begin to tie his shoes. He was late, as always, and for a second he'd forgotten about the time when slipping into his thoughts. They were going out for dinner with Ryan and his steady girlfriend of two years, Kate.

The first time Seth had seen Jordan was about a year ago, a Tuesday afternoon at work. She was the new girl; English, tall, stunning, with dark blonde hair reaching her shoulders and a smile that always was as contagious. His first conversation with her had been that Wednesday, he'd by accident managed to spill coffee on her papers. Everything had felt like in one of those chick flicks where love just happened to come by in the cheesiest way. But surprisingly it had worked out very well. Somehow he had throughout the years created some sort of charm that the opposite gender actually liked.

Suddenly a thin woman's body slipped into the room, slowly and graciously walking up to him where he sat on the bed. The silky thick hair was lying on her back straight and he could smell the perfume she always insisted in carrying. "You're not ready yet?" Jordan leaned her head closer to his so that he felt her breath on his neck, tracing her elegant fingers over his jaw.

Every day Seth asked himself the question, several times. _What in the world had he done that was so great that he got an amazing girl like this? _He couldn't help the grin that appeared on his face as she kissed his cheek, carefully pecking it with her pink lips. "I was just about to come out to you." He knew that it was a lie, as did she, and even if she knew that she continued to kiss his jaw, making her way to his waiting lips. Jordan didn't get irritated that easily and she didn't get mad often, she was mostly just loving and understanding. When thinking about it, Seth had actually never had a big fight with her; only smaller things. They mostly agreed and were able to solve most things. Which was awesome in a relationship according to Seth.

"We should go," she softly said after breaking their kiss.

Trying his best to look as sad he could, hoping to cause the humility in Jordan to make an appearance, Seth took her hand. Intertwining their fingers, lovingly stroking her thumb in that way he knew she liked, he lowered his head and pouted.

"Come on, Seth," she laughed. "We're gonna be late."

Seth gazed into her green eyes, tilting his head. "I don't care." Quickly, and a little clumsy, he crushed his lips onto hers and smiled into her mouth as she responded.

"Yes, you do," she giggled as the kiss ended. "We'll save this," she softly placed a kiss on his nose, "'til tonight."

Looking at her suspiciously he lifted an eyebrow. "Is that a promise?"

The night was unusually warm, the wind soft and delightful. Jordan had a thin cardigan over her shoulders while Seth had the suit jacket over his arm. Their fingers were intertwined as they silently walked through the street, on their way to the restaurant where Ryan and Kate would be waiting.

Seth shot glances to Jordan every other second; discreetly observing his girlfriend's gorgeous looks. She had an elegant walk, leaving perfect space between where she put her feet down and having her shoulders relaxed and still as her arms slightly moved. Everything about her was elegant and tasteful. Maybe that was how people were like in England; maybe the parents taught their children to act like royalties. Kind and respectable royalties. Because Jordan never acted as if she was better than anyone or was one to demand things from others.

She was for certain the most kind and humble person Seth had ever met. Another thing of what she possessed was intelligence; Jordan always spoke with carefully chosen words and always knew the best way of handling a situation or calm an upset reader for the newspaper they worked for. Not that people complained much on her work – readers always seemed to like what she'd written and agree with her opinions – but when they did on for example Seth's. Something about Jordan seemed to always affect everyone in the best ways; her magic never ceased to amaze him.

"Seth," she said and drew him back to reality and the noisy street. "Are you okay?"

He blinked and looked up at her, an embarrassed smile creeping over his lips. "Huh? Yeah, sure. I just got caught up in my thoughts."

"You think a lot." Jordan stated and broke their eye contact, casually gazing into the windows of where they walked.

"I guess. Is that a bad thing," he anxiously asked.

She laughed and grabbed his arm, dragging him with her into the restaurant that they'd obviously reached by now. "No, not at all."

Inside it was quite dark, with lamps on every table and on the walls illuminating the space. Ryan and Kate were already seated next to each other by a round table in the middle of the restaurant.

"Hi," Jordan said and greeted them both by kissing their cheeks. "You haven't been waiting for long, have you?"

"No," they both said at the same time, locking eyes.

Seth sat down in a chair with a sigh. "Blame it all on me." He placed his hand lovingly on Jordan's arm, caressing it and giving her a smile. "She was finished an hour before me, so."

Seth leaned against the black Mercedes, crossing his legs in a relaxed way while gazing up to the star filled sky. Thousands of stars seemed to look down on him, creating the same calm as it always had. The ocean and the beach with all its open space and quietness at night even now, after so many years, had the power to give him that feeling. It was something like a flashback from his childhood; when you had the same feeling but couldn't really explain how it was like and when you didn't really know what it was from. All Seth did know was that he always received the same feeling in his stomach while standing on the beach or watching the stars.

He had a special relation with the sky, the beach and the ocean. He'd never leave that. Years ago his dream had been to go to the east, away from Newport and California. He'd never imagined going anywhere else but to the coast, for his entire life stuck to the dream of heading east. And even if that hadn't happen – for unfortunate incidents – going there would always be something he wanted.

"Seth! Come join us," Jordan yelled from down the beach where she stood barefoot together with Ryan and Kate. They'd been there for a few minutes while Seth had stayed by the car, blaming it on his new shoes which couldn't get sandy or wet.

Jordan waved for him to come enthusiastically though and seeing her by the water, the moon as the only light to illuminate her face as her hair blew in the wind, was enough to make him change his mind. She smiled brightly as he reached her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into an embrace.

"Isn't it beautiful at night? No sound but the waves and no light but the moon."

"Yeah," Seth agreed and drew her tighter against him with one arm as he stared out over the ocean. "It's really something."

"We should go here more often," she quietly said and snuggled further into his arms. "Maybe watch the sunset sometime."

Seth slowly nodded against her head and let his eyes fall onto a part of the beach he hadn't visited for a long time. Six years. It was the best place to watch the sunset but he knew that he's never take Jordan there, he'd never set foot there ever again.

"We should head home soon," he said and forced his gaze away from that place.

Jordan questionably tilted her head to look at his face and eyes. "Why?"

"It's getting late." Seth smiled slightly, stroking one hand over her blonde hair. "And besides, I think I remember someone promising we'd do something tonight." A seductive smile spread over his face and he saw how Jordan bowed her head, blushing. Taking her delicate hand in his Seth began to lead her away from the ocean and up to the car.

Jordan stopped after a few meters though. "I should go tell Kate and Ryan." She motioned in their direction, further down by the water. "I'll meet you by the car?"

Seth nodded and let go of her hand, putting both of his in the pockets instead. "Sure."

Jordan placed a soft kiss on his lips as a sample for later and gave him one more of her affectionate smiles before turning around and heading down to where the other couple stood. With a content grin Seth paced back up to his car, feeling slightly relieved that he finally could leave and go home.

As much as Seth felt connected to everything about it, the beach was a part of his past and therefore something that he wanted to keep to himself. He would have to learn to move on from what had happened; after all it was a long time ago and he'd moved on from everything else. And because he'd do that, there was no point in dragging Jordan into it all. He'd prefer to leave her unwitting.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I have written some on this story lately, and now decided to post one chapter and see what you guys think. Please give me a comment. I am so unsure about my writing these days.

**_Authentic Emotions _**

_Your life is like a butterfly; you go through changes before you become something beautiful._

"Phailin, have you seen my keys?" Summer rushed through the apartment, lifting on books and toys, opening drawers and emptied all her purses. "Of course you haven't," she mumbled to herself while checking all the cabinets in the kitchen, "you're three."

Summer was always late, or just in time which was sort of the same thing as late. Getting yourself ready, a small daughter _and_ making sure you had everything with you that you were supposed to have was not easy. At least without getting late or having to stress. This morning was a proof of that, among many others.

The morning routine in their little family was for Summer to get up when the alarm rang at 6 am, and not a minute later. She'd take a quick shower and get dressed before waking her daughter up, dressing her and then making breakfast for them both. A quarter past seven, they had to be on their way to the bus which would take them to Ivana, who was Phailin's day mother.

Summer had chosen to start work early to be able to have her afternoons and evenings free and spend time with Phailin. Though she hated to wake her up while it was still dark outside. Phailin would never be very difficult though, much to Summer's gratitude. Maybe she could feel how guilty her mother felt and maybe she understood how much worse it would get if she wasn't being an angel. Summer doubted it though; her daughter just happened to be a morning person and get used to routines easily.

"Here they are, sweetie." Summer had found her bunch of keys under Phailin's dress-up things. _The Sleeping Beauty_ costume was thrown in a corner and obviously covering the bag Summer had used the day before. "Let's go. We don't wanna miss the bus."

Lifting her daughter up in her arms with both of their bags on her shoulder, Summer exited the apartment and struggled to lock the door. "It'll be fun visiting the zoo today, won't it? With all the animals."

"Monkey," Phailin said as she played with some of Summer's hair. She tended to do that a lot, and most of the times Summer let her. Even if she always had to brush out big tangles the minute she got to work.

Summer laughed and manoeuvred the little girl, tightening her grip of her. "Maybe you'll see some monkeys there. You like monkeys?" She felt a nod against her shoulder and noticed how Phailin got quiet. The girl rested her head on Summer's shoulder while still fumbling with the brown straps of hair falling onto Summer's back. "You're tired, sweetheart?" At these moments, when she could feel her daughter snuggle against her and leaning her whole sleepy body onto Summer, she really wanted to turn back home and stay there the whole day, spending it with Phailin. At moments like these, she could actually feel how dependent

Phailin was on her and how much she needed her to take care of her. It felt good to be needed and loved, and even if Phailin never talked much she was still the best company Summer had.

She loved the weekends when they could make pancakes together for breakfast and when they could stay in their pyjamas until late and watch cartoons. They would visit a park and go to some cosy café and Summer would love to see the little girl laugh while bathing in the tub, splashing water on Summer so that she always had to change clothes. It would just be the two of them, the Roberts family.

Work was fun most of the time; she got to do things she'd dreamt of doing and actually helped people. Everyone was good hearted and nothing was particularly boring. Summer enjoyed her job and never wanted to do anything else. Sometimes though, the underside of it would show; the wage, the working hours and the fact that mostly you couldn't help but bring the work with you home. Summer hated to have a pile of papers in her bag to go through at night, or a book which she had to read. Nights were for family; it should just be Phailin who had her attention and not work.

But, unfortunately, there was this promotion that Summer was hoping for. She really needed those extra dollars per month. Loans, rent and bus tickets took away too much of the money Summer needed to have in order to buy Phailin a new bed and maybe move to a bigger apartment or decorate Phailin's room so that it looked more like a little girl's room. She loved to be independent and actually felt better making her own money than getting too much than she needed from her dad. Being spoiled and treated like a princess as a child was nothing she'd disliked; on the contrary she'd adored it. Summer was born as a shopper and loved to spend money. So she did miss a little bit of that constant shopping and that feeling of security that money brought.

Now though, she had her own support system and she was happy with making her own money. It felt better to "deserve" the things you bought and throughout the years she'd learned to be less selfish. She didn't need more money for herself; she could wear the same clothes two days in a row and she had gotten used to shop in less expensive stores. It was for her daughter she wanted more.

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"Seth!"

Seth was sitting in the computer chair, fumbling with a pencil and gazing out through the window; his mind obviously someplace else. That pen seemed to be far more interesting than his work; the computer screen showed an empty word document and a paper lay over the keyboard. He had his chair turned away from the desk and was absentmindedly looking out through the window a few metres down the corridor.

His gorgeous girlfriend brought him back to reality though as she walked into his little workplace and sat down on his desk, a huge grin on her face. "Guess what?"

Seth looked up, trying to be present. "What?"

Jordan beamed, causing tiny sparks to form in her green eyes. "We're going to work _together_!" Seeing the confused look on Seth's face she continued, with the same amount of excitement. "Ian just told me. We're doing this article that maybe can turn out to be something else, a series."

"Wow. We get to work together?" A trace of surprise was still evident in his voice and his eyes were a little wider than usual. Seth was surprised. Not only because he'd never worked together with Jordan before - he'd always just seen her from afar as she sat working enthusiastically – but also because their boss really disliked them being together, two employees dating.

"Yes. Isn't it great?"

A smile spread over Seth's face while he placed his hands on either side of his girlfriend's hips. "It's awesome. We won't have to run away from work to see each other all the time. Actually that's more a thing I do, but now I don't have to. It's great, Jordan."

Moving down from the desk, she made her way over to Seth in the chair. "Staying in a hotel will be all-time. Kind of out own vacation."

"What do you mean? We're not working from here?"

"No, I guess I forgot to say that," Jordan laughed. "Ian's sending us to another city. It's going to be so good to get away from here." She leaned in to kiss him, passionately crashing her lips against his and wrapping her arms around his neck to bring their faces closer. Jordan was usually so solemn and it felt great to experience her like this, see her the way she was when with him.

Suddenly an irritated cough was heard behind them, immediately causing them both to pull away. A little clumsily Seth pushed Jordan away from him and got up from the chair, watching how it rolled away a few centimetres. Ian Schwartz stood right in front of them, tapping with his pen. "I see you two are happy about the news, huh," he said in a bored tone.

"Yes we are, sir."

"Soo excited," Seth shot in just after his girlfriend. "Because you know, it'll be a good experience and stuff. Not that it's not great to work around here, because that's also sort of great but-"

"Seth." Jordan placed a hand on his arm gave him a meaning look. He was rambling again, in front of their boss who may just be the most peevish man existing. Seth whispered a pathetic "sorry" and nervously gulped.

Ian once again cleared his throat and gave them an irritated look. "I've got some information that you might be interested in." He sighed and put both hand s in his pockets. "I've booked a meeting with a journalist the day after tomorrow. Which means that the plane takes off tomorrow afternoon. You can get your tickets down by the reception."

"Thank you, sir. We'll make sure to do our very best," Jordan politely said, trying to make the man pleased.

"I'm sure you will, Jordan. Now, I won't keep you occupied. Please continue with your w_ork_."

"Yes, sir." The twosome watched how the older man walked away and as he was out of sight Seth started to laugh. He sat down in his chair and held his stomach from laughter.

Jordan smiled confusingly, letting a giggle out. "What is so funny?"

Continuing to laugh Seth pulled her closer to him with his hand. "We have," he began after gathering himself some, "the most spectacular boss."

"You could wonder why he wants the two of us to go together," she agreed smiling.

"Exactly. Why is he being so kind?" Seth suddenly got a very serious look on his face. "It's like he's hiding something, like maybe we're going to this really dangerous place. Maybe Iraq."

"It does seem a little too good to be true, but maybe he's just being nice for once. Maybe he's realized that people might like him better." Jordan grinned while she sat down in his lap, bringing her arms around his neck. "And we're not going to Iraq."

Seth frowned, clearly still suspicious. "We're not? How do you know? I do think he's up to something."

Jordan smirked and traced a line from his chin and up to his cheek with her delicate finger. "I happen to know where we're going; he told me before. I just haven't mentioned it."

"Again!" Seth pouted, but quickly put a smile back on his lips, showing his excitement. "Okay, where is it then? Is it Alaska? I've always wanted to go there."

Jordan laughed. "No, it's not Alaska. Quite far from there." She paused. " Providence, we're going to Rhode Island."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Somehow I got some inspiration, and I ended up writing this. Read, enjoy and please give me some support by leaving a review.

**Authentic Emotions **

_Sometimes, you have to be your own hero._

Seth sat down in his chair with a big sigh, sadly looking over to the empty seat next to him. That seat had been saved for Jordan. But in the last minute, their _boss_ had announced that she needed to stay at the newspaper for a little longer. He'd said that she possibly would come up later, if everything went well.

The job and the getaway Seth had been so excited about at first was ruined. Not only because Jordan wasn't coming and the fact that he would have to work really hard if he wanted her to come at all, but also because of the chosen destination. Providence. That was a place Seth wanted to forget about, or at least keep as a memory of his past life.

It wasn't like they'd parted on bad terms or anything, but it was still painful to relive everything that had occurred in that place. It brought back tough emotions that Seth preferred to try and forget. He didn't even think much about it anymore, only a few times when he spent time with Ryan and went to places he'd been at together with her.

They were both happy now; at least he thought that she was. She'd been when writing the last email to him; she'd met good friends and really liked Brown. And while that was a few years ago and much must have happened during them, he was positive of the fact that she was alright. He wouldn't have let her go otherwise.

Hearing Jordan tell him that the trip would go to Providence had been sort of a shock. He'd never believed that he'd return there, at least not with his girlfriend. Alaska would have been a better place, or maybe even Iraq. Though not Rhode Island and the place where he'd last seen Summer Roberts.

_The light breeze caused the dead leaves to move as Seth walked past them, comfortably strutting along the campus. He had both hands in his pockets and was quietly humming a Death Cab song; just like he always did. Most things were as they normally were, but yet many things were so different; not the way they were supposed to be and had been. _

_Seth had arrived in __Providence__ a few days ago, excited to finally see his girlfriend who he hadn't spent time with for many months. They seldom talked anymore and this distance thing made it extremely hard to work on their relationship. So it was great to finally see her again, even if things weren't like they used to. _

_He had spent these past months being really worried about her and letting her go. When the time came for her to start at Brown, it had not been easy. Not after seeing her transform to this sad girl, a sad girl who pushed everything about her old self away. Sometimes things felt quite impossible, like there wasn't anything he could do to help her. Marissa had been such a big part of her life that no one could make that hole she left in Summer disappear. _

_She seemed to be doing relatively good though, considering everything that had happened. Summer wasn't curling up in bed and refusing to talk to anyone. She wasn't crying like she had during the summer. But she wasn't okay yet; she hadn't talked about it. Not even with her boyfriend. A word he wasn't fully sure if he still could call himself. They had drifted apart, and they'd both allowed it. Maybe it was easier that way. Maybe she needed the space and the time alone. _

_Marissa's death had pretty much messed with everyone's lives, even his own. It wasn't like he was crying every night because he missed her. It was more the people around him who were. They were shutting him out. And they were making it extremely difficult for him to stop it. _

_Walking into the building Seth silently prayed for Summer to be in her room; back from class. She'd been to a lot of classes the past days, leaving Seth to enjoy himself. He wasn't sure if it was with purpose; if she felt like it was easier to go to class than spend time with her visitor. Though it really didn't matter; Seth wasn't upset. It had been a great opportunity to explore campus and the city. Though now too many days had passed without them talking; a thing he really needed to do. _

_For once it seemed, Summer was in her room before he got there. She was sitting on her bed cross-legged, flicking through a magazine, not Us Weekly or Cosmo he noticed. She was wearing one of those large shirts she always insisted in having these days, and she had her hair in a loose pony tail. Again, he was surprised of just how much she'd changed from the girl she had been. _

_"Hi," he said with a wave and sat down in her chair by the desk. Moving some clothes away and placing them on his bag, which stood on the floor, he leaned back. _

_Summer looked up, uncertainly meeting his gaze and smiling slightly. "Hi, Seth." _

_"Did you have a good day?" _

_She nodded, putting the magazine away. "You?" _

_"It was alright. I kinda want to talk to you though." Seth remained in the chair, even though he would have liked to sit next to her. He tied his hands together, while still looking at her. It felt weird that he wasn't nervous. He felt as if this conversation was something that she maybe wanted as well; that she wouldn't get hurt or not understand. _

_"So," Summer said and straightened her back. "What do you want to talk about?" _

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"Summer, you just have to see the photo of when I was up there. It's so cool." Nathan enthusiastically told her about his adventure in Spain where he'd apparently done even more than parachuting. Chelsea sat at the other end of the sofa with an annoyed face, a thing Summer could see only was because that trip had ended with her fiancée - that she loved more than she'd ever say out loud – in a hospital thousands of miles away from her.

Summer found it sort of adorable how her best friends' relationship worked. They never showed very much affection when they weren't alone, and she smiled and aw-ed every time they held hands or locked eyes. Therefore it had been really difficult when they'd found out about Nathan's accident. Summer had done her best to try and be positive and support her friend, who usually always showed so much strength. It had been heart-breaking to hear them talk on the phone while he still was in the hospital and to see Chelsea wipe a few tears from her cheeks.

Looking over at her best friend, Summer spoke. "Why don't we do that another time, Nate? Someone should take care of this little girl." She motioned to her daughter who lay sprawled over the floor, soundly sleeping. "Mind if I put her in your bed?"

"Of course. Do you need any help?" Summer shook her head and smiled at Chelsea, who in return gave her a thankful look. Moving from the sofa and to the place where Phailin was, Summer carefully scooped the sleeping body up in her arms. Phailin's arms immediately wrapped around her neck and she unconsciously nestled her head into the warmth and security of her mother. "I'll come back in a few minutes. You guys, stay and talk or something."

Standing up, Chelsea embraced the two of them and kissing her goddaughter on the chin. Chelsea Powell adored children, and especially this one. "You know where to find things."

"Yeah,"

"Night, Phailin." Both Nathan and Chelsea fallowed the two as they left the room, a slight sadness in the air. They had seen Summer do the same thing so many times before, always alone. As much as she would deny it, and try not to show it, Summer needed a man in her life; Phailin needed a father.

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Seth lay sprawled over the bed of his hotel room, dressed in a shirt and boxers. He had many times been told by Jordan that he thought a lot, but he'd never actually believed it until now. He did think not think just a lot, he thought too much. And it was really starting to bug him.

How could one visit, that only had lasted a few hours, cause so many memories to return? Seth had over the last couple of years been very good in keeping his memories away, and controlling his mind. Things that at first had been huge reminders, such as a demonstration on the news or someone dying in a car crash, Seth had learnt to ignore. He'd forced his mind to think rationally; told himself over and over again that what happened had been for the best and that they both were happier this way. He had even seen some other guy come and help her deal with her issues, someone less like him. And he'd been okay with that.

For a long time Seth had accepted the present and the past; he'd moved on with his life. But now, he couldn't stop the thoughts running through his head. He wanted Jordan to be there and make him focus on her, and remind him of what his life was like now. He didn't want the past to come back; he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to worry about how she was.

The worst thing though, was that he felt so guilty about thinking of her. He was with Jordan now, he liked being with Jordan. She was the best thing that had happened to him for a long time, and he did not want to hurt her by thinking of another girl. "But it's not like I miss her or anything," Seth said out laud. "And I didn't just say that to reassure myself."

_"First, I want you to know that I love you. I've always loved you and I always will." Seth smiled while carefully choosing his next words in his head. _

_Summer nodded, having a serious look on her face. "I know that, Seth." _

_"Good. But sometimes love isn't enough, right? Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you love someone…" _

_A frown appeared onto Summer's forehead as she realized where Seth was taking this conversation. It wasn't as if she was surprised, or having her heart broken. It was just sad, but obviously necessary. She hadn't expected things to continue forever, she'd always known that what she did to Seth wasn't fare. _

_Giving Seth a reassuring smile, as to let him know that she was okay, she listened as he continued. "I think that what we need right now, both of us, is to find our place. And I don't think we can go on like this…" He motioned between them, hoping that she understood what he was saying. _

_Summer noticed the hesitation now approaching Seth. "You know, Seth, I think so too. We have been running from it for quite some time now, and I know that I haven't exactly made it easier-" _

_"Summer, don't-" _

_She held up a hand as to silence his interruption, before gently speaking again. "Just let me say that I'm sorry for how I've been acting. I know that I have been in denial and I know that I've pushed you away, along with everybody else. It's just that she-" Pausing she closed her eyes quickly, finding it impossible to speak the words. _

_This was the first time in months that she had mentioned anything about Marissa, or opening up. But Seth could see how difficult it was to her, and knew that this was going to take a really long time for her. He carefully moved from the chair and sat down next to her, taking her hand. The yet so familiar but strange touch made her flinch at first, though she then intertwined their fingers and lay her head down on his shoulder. "Things will be okay again, Sum. I promise." _

_After a few minutes of silence, Summer resting against Seth while he was savouring their embrace, she spoke. "You're the best boyfriend and friend anyone could ever want, Seth. The last coupled of years with you have been the best in my life." Her voice died out in a whisper, and she slowly reached up to plant a kiss on his lips. _

_Seth knew that this would be the last kiss they shared, at least for a while. Yet he couldn't let it turn into something else than a gentle peck. "They have for me too." _

_"Just promise me that we'll still be friends. I need you to stay in my life, Seth." _

_"I promise. And you know, if you'll ever need anything…" _

_"I know. Thanks." _

_Seth stood up, grabbing a few things from the bed. "So, I guess I should call a cab." _


End file.
